Craigslist
by professor-riddikulus
Summary: James and Sirius are looking for a roommate for their Los Angeles house - Remus has just moved from Dublin needs a place to rent while he goes to graduate school. One Craigslist ad later, the three of them find themselves living together and shit is bound to get complicated. Incredibly AU, don't look for canon here, friends. Featuring trans Remus and the wonder of Wolfstar.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's** **Note:** Hello friends, I fell into this idea a few days ago and then it wouldn't leave me alone so I had to start writing it. Totally AU and featuring trans Remus, this is just going to be a fun little story I'm using as a break from On a Clear Night, which is _so_ much more angsty. As always, any feedback is appreciated! You know I own nothing, I know I own nothing, let's get on with the story.

* * *

\- AWESOME PRIVATE POOL HOUSE FOR RENT TO TOP NOTCH PERSON - QUEERS PREFERRED (SILVER LAKE)

THE ROOM: Okay it's more like a fucking palace. You get a GIGANTIC room with HUGE WINDOWS that look out onto our BADASS POOL where you might be able to catch eye candy like my roommate and I enjoying some rays or floating around on our doughnut shaped floaties. There are fucking hardwood floors, there is CENTRAL AIR but you legit won't need it cause we get breezy up on the hill here. There's a bathroom, it's got a toilet and other bathroom stuff. Nice tub (big enough for two ;D) and tons of storage. You'd use the kitchen in the main house which is boss and we never really use so it's basically like your own fucking kitchen. The backyard has a FIRE PIT and BAR and you'll want to live here forever because it is the best damn room on C-list. I checked okay? Trust me. Check those rad photos.

$450/mo, you pay your third of the utilities (including internet) which is like $120 more. Available literally right this fucking second.

US: James is my roommate he has this radio show on NPR that he thinks is fucking cool and he's going to expect you to be really impressed by it but in reality he's a total dbag loser. He's like pretty good looking if you're into weirdly lanky hisptery-looking dudes with stupid glasses. He probably going to be playing some stupid shit like WOW until the middle of the damn night and this is why he's constantly moaning about not having a girlfriend.

I'm basically the hottest piece of ass you've ever seen. I own the damn house and I work at a sick record store called Cosmic Vinyl on Sunset. Queer AF, great hair, if those things bother you then you can fuck on off out of here. I've got a badass dog who rules the house, you will need to be approved by this dog or it's a no-go.

YOU: Chill, willing to roll with the punches, laughs at our amazing jokes, have a job and shit like that. Don't steal stuff (like our last roommate), don't eat our food (like our last roommate), don't bother James when he's working or me when I'm sleeping. Just generally don't be a dick.

Looking for someone without pets who's queer-friendly, willing to hang out with their awesome roommates, decently clean (like you shower and shit) and no hard drugs (we don't do that crap anymore). Bonus points if you're sexy as hell regardless of gender.

* * *

"I don't know it really sounds like a scam."

"Okay," Lily said, sighing, "it definitely could be a scam because it's SO cheap and those pictures do not even look real. They might be secret serial killers but this is why you HAVE to go see it. Can you IMAGINE living in a place like that with a pool? I wish I didn't have 6 months left on my lease."

"They sound like complete spanners Lily."

"Remus, literally look around you right now. What do you see?"

"A crappy motel room."

"Do you want to live there forever?"

"Okay, point taken, I also can't afford to live here much longer or I'll have no money for a deposit."

"Look I sort of already emailed them about you."

"Lily!"

"I knew that you'd be hesitant because they sound like complete prats so I emailed them about you. So now all we have to do is wait."

"What did you tell them?"

"Nothing that isn't true! Just that you're a grad student and that you're international and have an adorable accent And you like attractive men."

"Oh my fucking god."

"Well you do! And anyway I got you an appointment with them so if you don't show up you'll look like a jerk."

I put my head on the cheap laminated desk. How did I become friends with this girl? I groaned dramatically. How is it that she already knew me well enough to know that the mere idea of breaking this appointment (that I didn't even make) was giving me anxiety?

"Can't I just live on your couch forever?"

"No. You're allergic to cats weirdo. This is why you're in the motel. Stop whining and just go meet them. How bad could it be?"

"Didn't you just say they could be serial killers?"

"Okay but serial killers that only want $450 per month for a back house in Silver Lake."

"So it's worth death?"

"Remus you've seen the prices for rooms in LA, yes it's worth death it's right near the bus!"

I groaned again. There was nothing for it, I knew she was right. I was going to have to meet these outrageous bros who might be serial killers.

"Fine you wore me down. When's the appointment? You're driving me though and coming inside with me in case they try to kill me."

"Brilliant."

* * *

The next day was beautiful. Perfectly sunny with a breeze lazily shaking the tops of the palm trees and keeping the heat from settling into your skin. It was the kind of day where you needed sunglasses and a cold drink, needed to drive with the windows down, to play your music loud and laugh just a little bit louder. It was the waning breath of summer. I threw on my sunglasses (a new purchase that I realized were necessary here in a way they never had been in Dublin) and a button down short sleeve shirt. I stood in front of the mirror trying not to stress too much. _You look fine_. _No one is going to notice._ I took a few steadying breaths and smoothed down the front of my shirt, turning sideways one way and then the other. _This is as good as it's going to get right now_. My phone pinged.

 **Lily E:** _I'm outside. Come on, time to go!_

 **Me:** _I look like an idiot_.

 **Lily E:** _Shut up and please get your arse in my car. I'll buy you coffee._

Those were the magic words. In any case it wasn't like I was going to let Lily drive all the way to my motel and then lose my nerve. I punched out a quick reply, _Coming_.

Outside the motel Lily was waiting in her ten year old black Prius, which I'd heard her call, on several occasions, a "massive dump of a car".

"You ready for this?"

"God, no."

"Good thing I bribed you with coffee."

"It was mostly fear of your anger."

"Awww Remus, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me!"

We drove to my new favorite coffee place and had just enough time to make it to the house before the appointment. As we pulled up to the house, Lily let out a long whistle, "You've got to be kidding me, this cannot be the house." I checked my phone again, and yes, Google was insisting that we had arrived. "I'm pretty sure it is. At least as long as they gave us the right address."

She pulled the Craigslist post up on her phone again and nodded, "I guess I just didn't think it could look as good as it does in the pictures. They usually make it look so much better with trick photography or something."

The driveway sloped down from the street and was made up of thick concrete slabs with grass running between them, grass that was so green, you'd think California had never been in a massive drought. Huge shady Eucalyptus trees flanked the house, which featured several gigantic floor to ceiling windows on each level in the front. It was mostly off-white, with natural wood paneling surrounding the wide, black front door. I'd never seen a house like this. Back at home I was used to row houses and brick, buildings that were older than the trees on this property, older than the Silver Lake reservoir itself. This modern behemoth, all hard lines and smoothly mixed materials, looked more like something out of a movie or a magazine than a real house.

"Holy shite." I almost couldn't get out of the car, "Do you think they meant the rent was $4,500 and they forgot the extra zero?"

"I don't even care to be honest, now I just have to see the inside of it."

We got out of the car and walked up the steps, me compulsively flattening my shirt and stressing about making a good first impression. You have to leave it to me, only I could both simultaneously be grossed out and annoyed by the brospeak in the ad I was answering and incredibly anxious about making a good impression on the very people who wrote that same ad. _Calm down Remus, nothin to get scundered about it's just some California kids with too much money. It'll be fine._

"Stop that Remus, you look handsome. They're going to love you."

I rang the doorbell without answering and somewhere from within the house there was the sound of booming barks that echoed off the walls. This, I figured, was the dog I would supposedly have to impress in order to live here. I hoped it wasn't going to bite my head off.

"JAMES," a voice screamed from inside the house, "HE'S HERE."

"I know you fucking idiot I'm getting the door." the second voice, presumably James, came from much closer.

The door opened to reveal a tall, think man with hair that looked like he had just taken his hand out of it. He had a long face with a square jaw which was sporting just the right amount of stubble. He was grinning slightly crookedly and his glasses which, as advertised, were very hipster, had slid halfway down his nose. Next to me, there was a sharp intake of breath from Lily. I couldn't blame her. Overall, the picture was certainly not bad.

"Hey! You're ummm, Remus? Is that how you say it?" James stook out a hand jauntily, and I shook it

"Yeah, you got it."

"I'm James Potter. Who is your unbelievably gorgeous friend?"

"Nice to meet you, erm...this is my mate Lily. She's here for moral support."

But James wasn't looking at me, he had his eyes glued on Lily. Lily in turn was blushing and shaking his hand. _Jesus Christ with the breeders. Focus Lily_.

"Come on in come check out the place."

James stood back to let us into the entrance to the house, which was, if possible, even more magnificent inside. It had been recently refurbished if it wasn't newly built. The walls were painted the palest gray and the wood floors were ashy toned but gleaming. We entered into a short walkway which opened onto a huge staircase, a vintage mid century chandelier hung above it.

"You can come through here, I'm sorry I think Sirius might be still fucking primping but he's gonna want to give you the tour himself. It's his house after all."

We were led into a living room with deep comfortable modern couches and a huge flat screen mounted over a fireplace.. The room backed up to the garden beyond which could be seen through more floor to ceiling windows. There was a green lawn, a variety of succulent planters and-

"Oh my god there's the pool Rem look!"

"Nice. I could get used to that."

James grinned if possible even wider, "Make yourselves at home, I'd offer you drinks but it looks like you're set. Let me see if I can grab Sirius."

He walked out of the room, Lily watched him go and as soon as he was out of earshot rounded on me.

"Oh my fucking god. He is so fit."

"Okay but he really is."

"Remus I think this might be a dream, we might be dreaming!"

"Together? That's unlikely, I have a feeling my dreams feature slightly different content than yours."

She punched me in the arm playfully, "Oh shut the fuck up. If the back house is as nice as the front house you literally need to sign something today."

"Yeah he doesn't seem too bad right?"

She let out a frustrated sigh, "I want to live here!"

"All you have to do is seduc-"

But she shushed me because at that moment there was a loud bang and some laughing and James reappeared followed by a shorter man with long black hair thrown casually back into a bun. My first thought was that he walked like the kind of guy who was used to being noticed as soon as he entered a room. He had high cheekbones and beautiful olive skin, bright wide eyes and tattoos covering the visible portions of his strong arms. He's wearing a Sex Pistols t-shirt and black jeans that were so tight, I wondered if he took so long coming downstairs because he couldn't get into the jeans. Behind him padded a large black German Shepherd, who looked nervous enough to use him as a bit of a shield.

"Sirius, this is Remus and his friend Lily who I guess is the one that emailed you."

Sirius shook our hands, "God I love meeting beautiful fucking people."

I must have blushed because my face was hot, and Sirius, the cheeky fuck, looked straight at me and winked. I have no idea how anyone could be fit enough that they can wink and still not look completely ridiculous. Actually, strike that, he did look the stook, but something about those prominent grinning canines and the twitch in his raised eyebrow was charming instead of stupid.

"Nice to meet you too." I choked out, trying not to stare at his biceps.

"Fuck James have you heard this accent?"

James laughed. "Yeah obviously, do you want to show them the house first or…?"

Sirius shrugged. "Let's talk a bit first."

We sat on one of the couches and instantly there was a wet nose pushing against my left hand. The German Shepherd had decided that my hand would be better used scratching behind his ears so I did just that. He was silky-furred and smelled good, and he leaned against my leg as I stroked him. I've always been a huge fan of dogs, but never grew up with one, our garden back home was just too small to have a dog.

"What's his name?"

Sirius smiled, "Padfoot. That's weird he's normally a huge dork and is afraid of new people. This is a good sign for you Lupin."

"He's really sweet."

James looked at Sirius, "Are you going to ask him the questions?"

"Right, right, I'm getting to that you dickhead...okay uh...so we have some questions for potential roommates that we worked on together," Sirius pulled a piece of paper from his pocket with some difficulty, "It's a foolproof system to see if you're cool."

Lily laughed, "Wow yeah that sounds totally sane and scientific."

I rolled my eyes a bit, "I can already guarantee that I'm not cool."

Sirius' eyes narrowed comically, "We'll be the judge of that. Okay question one: what is your middle name? And also I'll add to that what the fuck kind of name is Remus?"

 _Great_ , I thought, _we're talking about naming already._ Cis people tend not to understand how personal naming is, because they've never had to do it before unless they have kids, and even then that's not your identity, it's someone else's. But it isn't like this was the first time I'd faced the question, Remus isn't exactly a run of the mill name. Then again, I hadn't had a normal name before either.

"Erm okay, my middle name is John, sorry not too exciting, my dad picked it. My mum teaches classics at Trinity so she's sort of a Greek and Roman history buff and that's where the Remus comes from - from the less successful of the twins that founded Rome."

James furrowed his brow and laughed, "Isn't he the one that was murdered? Your mom must have a fucked up sense of humor."

I sighed, "Yeah, my mum's always been a fan of the underdog. Anyway what the fuck kind of name is Sirius?"

Sirius laughed and spread his arms wide as if it were the silliest question in the world, "I'm a star, obviously."

Lily looked over at James, "Is he for real?"

"Unfortunately," Jame sighed, "he is fucking for real."

"Question two," Sirius talked right over them, pointedly making eye contact with me, "current favorite TV show?"

"Probably Westworld, or no wait, actually yeah Westworld. Although it has some pretty questionable gender politics at points? But I study a lot of TV so I've got a new favorite every week. Mr. Robot is a favorite too."

"Question three: are you an extrovert or an introvert?"

"I dunno, I like to study a lot so people would say that I'm an introvert because of that but I also like to party and I've been known to break a few rules. So maybe I'll say I'm a part-time extrovert."

"Question four: What's your drink of choice?"

"Whiskey. Neat. I'm Irish, come on give me a hard question."

Sirius put down the list of questions and looked me in the eye, "Tits or ass?"

"Well, I mean I'm queer so ass."

"Johnny Cash or The Clash?"

"The Clash"

"Facebook or Instagram?"

"Tumblr."

"Ohhhh nice," Sirius nodded, "Okay morning or night?"

"Night."

"Briefs or Boxers?"

"On me or someone else?"

"On you."

"Boxer briefs."

"Coffee or tea?"

"Both."

"Sex or food?"

"Both."

"No way, not this time, answer the question sex or food?"

"Sex."

"James or me?"

"You." I answered so quickly I didn't even have time to think about it, and as soon as the word left my mouth I flushed. Lily started to snicker behind her hand. She wouldn't make eye contact with me when I tried to give her an angry stare, so I settled for looking at my hands.

"Well, Remus, it seems like you make a lot of good decisions." Sirius was looking pleased with himself, so I supposed at least I made him happy with my last answer.

We took a tour of the house then, which was as beautiful as the entry and living room had been. James asked me a few more questions, most of them practical things like how I was employed, what my habits were like, what my tolerance for noise was like ("as you might imagine, it gets noisy here sometimes, especially when Sirius is working on his bike"). The kitchen was awesome, I love to cook and the idea of having a range with eight burners was making me itch to get in there and whip up a feast. James and Sirius, on the other hand, seemed pleased by the idea that they might be able to share in some food that didn't come from GrubHub.

"So the ad said that you own this house, Sirius?" Lily asked as Sirius as he opened the back door and they walked out to the edge of the pool, "Sorry but how is that possible? Are you some crazy entrepreneur or something?"

"Nope," Sirius said shrugging, "honestly I work at the record store and that's it. This is my gay uncle's place, or used to be, before he died. I was lucky he left it to me. He was the best guy," Sirius looked down and kicked a stray bit of grass, "he worked in movie production and took me in when I was in high school with this idiot here."

James grinned, "You guys would have liked him, he was as weird as Sirius but like, actually funny."

"Suck a dick James."

"Nah I'll leave that to you Sirius."

Something about the way Sirius talked about his uncle made sense to me. Was he a total braggart and a bit of a spoiled brat? Of course he was. But he had a heart in there somewhere. And James clearly cared a lot about him, you could tell they were like brothers, they looked out for one another.

The pool house, oh god, the pool house was way bigger than it looked in the pictures. It was actually two rooms rather than one ("I forgot that" said Sirius as we walked in, "I never came in here while Peter was renting it"). One room could be used as either a really huge storage space/closet or small living room or office, the bedroom in the front was full of light, and the bathroom had both a nice shower and a tub big enough to soak in.

"And, you really want $450 for this?" I asked, waiting for the other shoe to drop. There had to be a catch right?

Sirius shared a look with James, "Yeah, that's not too much is it?"

I had seen a ton of apartments in Los Angeles already. They were usually three to four times as much as this for a studio with carpet that had been there since the 1960s, walls cracked from the heat and a complete lack of amenities. Here I had access to a chef's kitchen, there was a pool, there was my own private (detached!) space, there was a washer and dryer for my clothes. This was the promised land of rentals, and these two dopes had no idea what they had. They could have rented it for a ton more money. Lily was right, a property like this was worth whatever annoyance these two idiots could throw at me. They didn't seem like they were drug dealers or murderers, just some spoiled kids who were coasting a bit through their twenties.

"So, any chance I can take the place today or are you looking at more candidates?"

James and Sirius shared another meaningful look, and I had a feeling I would be seeing a lot of these types of looks if I did indeed get the place. It was clear that they spoke their own language and it was going to take me a while to learn to translate it.

James clapped me on the back, "It's all yours nerd. When do you want to move in?"

* * *

Lily drove me back to the motel and the whole way back we chatted about the two fit guys and how amazing the house was. She threatened several times to move into the tiny second room, but there was no way that was going to happen. I was going to have an office! Together we googled Sirius' uncle and found out that he was indeed a famous and eccentric movie producer, known for throwing huge parties in the 1970s and 1980s in the very house that I would be moving into. He had bought into Silver Lake back in the 70s when the neighborhood had lost its appeal from its early days as the home of Disney. But this turned out to be a smart move. Now Sirius and James were set up with a house that was definitely worth more than they even knew, in a neighborhood that was one of the most desirable in Los Angeles. This was unreal, it was like something out of a fairy tale.

The next day I moved into the pool house with just three boxes and two suitcases, everything that I had brought over with me from Dublin. Sirius opened the door at one in the afternoon, yawning, still in his sweatpants and looking like he just got out of bed. I tried to ignore the way his pajama pants just skimmed his hipbones, revealed by his slightly-too-short t-shirt and instead shoved a box into his arms.

It took ten minutes to move everything from the Uber into the pool house and another ten minutes for me to realize that I couldn't really unpack much other than the clothes (which went in the built-in storage near the bathroom) because I didn't actually yet own any furniture. So I went into the main house and plopped down on the couch next to Sirius and Padfoot, who were watching Cartoon Network. Sirius looked up from his bowl of cereal (he really must have just woken up).

"Yo wolfboy. You want some Lucky Charms?"

"Is that an Irish joke?"

"No I'm literally eating Lucky Charms."

"Oh, right. No I'm good I had breakfast like," I checked my watch, "six hours ago. Hey can you give me the wifi password?"

"Yeah, the network is 'the marauders' and the password is 'mischief managed' all one word."

"Okay and the name comes from...?"

"James and I had this band back in our first year of college, we were total idiots. Well, he was, I'm a musical genius. Anyway that was the band name, The Marauders."

"Why am I not surprised that the two of you had a band?"

"Because we seem like natural rock stars?" As he said this, he spilled a little milk from his spoon onto his chest. Padfoot scooted closer and started to lick it off his shirt. Not much about this screamed rock star to me but then again I'd never lived with a rock star before.

"So first day in the new place huh? What are you doing? You don't like have work for another two weeks right?"

"Yeah I have to order furniture today."

"Oh shit you don't have any furniture?"

"No, didn't make sense to move it from Ireland."

"So you're going out then?"

"I thought, honestly I'd just order stuff from Ikea online and have it delivered. Then I can put it together the next day or something."

"Put it together? Wait you're going to build your own furniture? That sounds super manly of you. How did you learn to do that?!"

I looked at him and I honestly couldn't tell at first if he was kidding or not. I gave a weak chuckle but he merely looked confused at me and continued to shovel cereal into his mouth at a somewhat alarming pace.

"You're kidding right? Have you never been to Ikea?"

"No. I mean that's the Swedish one right? Isn't it in Burbank?"

"Oh my god I can't believe it, where do you usually buy furniture?"

"After my uncle died I switched out a lot of the furniture but I just called his interior designer and she figured it out."

I leaned back deeper into the couch and looked at Sirius. God he was beautiful, but Christ he was a prince.

"You don't have work today do you?"

"Nope, it's my day off."

"Okay. I'm taking you to Ikea. You can't be a twenty-something and go around telling people that you've never had to buy a futon before, they will actually hate you."

"Oh sick. Alright it'll be a roomie adventure!" Sirius slopped a bit more milk down his front.

"You might want to take a shower first though."


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** I know it has been a long time friends, but I'm back! Hooray summer! I hope to be updating this more regularly now that all those pesky seminar papers are completed. I am sorry for what I assume is going to be the ridiculousness of this chapter. As you probably know, Sirius cannot be contained. Anyway, enjoy!

* * *

It took an hour for Sirius to take a shower and get ready, during which time Padfoot and I watched several episodes of some cracked-out show called The Amazing World of Gumball and I did the cereal dishes that Sirius had left behind. He came jauntily down the stairs, hair tied back and still damp, a loose black muscle tank on that showed too much of his strong tattooed arms, too much of his lean muscled torso. I tried not to stare. I probably failed miserably because he looked pleased with himself.

"I assume," he said flipping his keys from one hand to another, "that we're not taking the bike?"

"Your motorbike? Nah I don't particularly feel like dying this afternoon."

He made a noise somewhere between a snicker and an indignant huff.

"Fine the car then. But I warn you, it's a few years old."

I, of course, assumed that he meant a few years old like Lily meant a few years old when she talked about her 10 year old crappy Prius. What he actually meant was a black Mercedes S-Class that probably cost more than four years of my graduate stipend and that was exactly 3 years old. It was so beautiful that I was actually nervous to sit in the seat. Opulence in most forms makes me uncomfortable - my parents always made a tidy living but I was always the kid putting away coins for a rainy day. The responsible one. Some people are built to be pampered, can adjust to being treated like kings, to throwing caution to the wind. I never felt comfortable indulging - instead I was the kid who didn't want anyone to look at him when they sang a the happy birthday song. It isn't shyness not really, it's well, wanting to fly under the radar I suppose. Showing off what you have draws attention.

I just looked at Sirius and I knew this wasn't him. He stood taller than me but his posture was proud. He wasn't afraid to take up space, wasn't afraid to be noticed. He had no idea that taking up that space, taking up oxygen, meant taking it from someone else. I was stiff and trying not to move my dirty shoes too much on the carpet, Sirius on the other hand was completely at ease, his ripped skinny jeans clashing with the dark brown leather of the seats. He was leaned back, reclined like his body itself was used to luxury. Watching him driving the 5 with his sunglasses on, singing along to some mindless pop tune, I had the distinct feeling that Los Angeles was not going to be anything like I expected. Sure they said it was a town for movie stars, but it's difficult to understand how value works here. Some people have so much they don't even notice how much they have. Sirius certainly didn't. This guy, this house, it wasn't like being in another country. I have been to France once, and nobody there even spoke the language that I spoke, yet I still felt like less of an alien. _How rich was this guy?_

I looked down at my Target t-shirt, one that Lily and I had picked out only a few days before. It was my favorite, but next to the glamour of the car, the palm trees, and the guy sitting next to me I felt distinctly shabby. It wasn't like I was usually fashion-forward. I do my best to stay at least a bit put together but I'm not a trend-setter. I'm sure his pants cost the same as my whole outfit. _Probably more, actually_. I tried to shake myself, there was no reason to be ashamed, and in any case he was the one being stupid by buying such an expensive car. I sighed, if I had that kind of money, even a quarter of that kind of money, there are so many other things I'd be doing with it. I'd be giving back to the community, I'd be working for a nonprofit, I'd be paying off my student loans. I'd be doing something, anything, other than buying a car that might be the price of a house anywhere else. The very thought of it made my nerves feel frayed. I was going to be living around this kind of wealth, benefitting from it even.

I looked over at Sirius, whose grin slipped a bit at what must have been a concerned or frustrated look on my face but which he quickly replaced the grin. Perhaps he didn't want me to see his concern?

"You don't like Drake? We can change the radio to something else?"

"Don't worry mate, I'm good. Your car is really something."

"Yeah it's pretty okay. I bought it as a graduation present to myself."

"Oh? Where did you do your undergraduate degree?"

"James and I went to USC together, that's where you're going, right?"

"Yeah," I grinned to myself, I hadn't even considered that Sirius had gone to college at all somehow, but if he did, USC didn't surprise me. Lily told me that it had a bit of a reputation for being a school for rich American kids, especially west coast kids - those Orange County, Beverly Hills, Malibu, rich kids - someone like Sirius I guess, "I guess you'll have to show me around at some point."

"You'll figure it out quick, s'not a big campus."

I paused, weighing my options a bit. I chewed the inside of my lip. _You're being a coward Remus Lupin. He's not going to think anything._ "So," I let the word hang in the air a bit, "do they have, erm, a big queer community there? Like among the undergraduates at least?"

Sirius smirked at me, "Are we gonna have that talk?"

I panicked, "What? What talk?!"

"I mean the, 'oh-here's-how-I-came-out' talk. The 'I'm-gay-you're-gay' talk. The 'do-you-have-a-boyfriend' talk."

"I see no reason why we have to. All that is pretty obvious isn't it?" I picked at the stray thread sticking out from the knee of my jeans but I could feel him looking back and forth from the road to me, trying to catch my eyes. I was embarrassed for a reason I couldn't quite explain, sweating a bit, and not because of the heat. He looked at me like he was trying to read me, like he was regarding a particularly interesting painting and he wanted to examine the individual brush strokes. I felt on display under such scrutiny, exposed even, but I forced my eyes back up to his. He wasn't going to see me squirm. I wasn't going to let him affect me. He was just some spoiled kid from southern California. I was going to hold my own.

Sirius smiled, "Maybe not that last one. You haven't picked up some all-American boy, swooned by the lilting accent of Mother Ireland?"

"Excuse me?" I laughed so hard at this abrupt shift that I needed a minute to compose myself, "What even are you?"

"I told you, wolfboy, I'm a star."

"You're something, that's for sure."

"Something amazing. It's okay, I understand, words fail you."

I shook my head at this, how I was supposed to continue the conversation after that, I had no idea. I had the distinct feeling that what was happening was something of a face off. He was taking the measure of me, wanted to see if I was going to keep up with him. It was the same feeling that I had when he fired his 'interview' questions at me. It was like dealing with a toddler that wanted to see how far he could push the rules. Luckily, I'm stubborn, and I've always loved a challenge. When I didn't say anything, Sirius didn't seem to have a hard time filling the void. He probably would have talked to the empty seat if I hadn't been there.

"Yeah, it's badass that you're a big queer though. I was getting annoyed being the only rainbow unicorn in the house. Now we finally outnumber James and his dirty fucking heterosexuality."

I laughed a little, "Yeah. In case he tries to convert us, strength in numbers and all that."

"Oh don't worry, he's _way_ beyond that. Literally all our friends are queer, he always complains there's never anyone for him to date because all our female friends are lezzies. Dude that reminds me, we should definitely have a pool party to welcome you to the family."

 _Literally anything but a pool party_. Pool parties meant swimming which meant swimwear and I didn't think we were going to be at that point for quite a while, if at all, really.

"I dunno, maybe in a little bit when I get settled and get the furniture built and everything."

Sirius shrugged and ran a hand along the top of his head, pushing back the strands of dark hair that had fallen around his face, I think it was the first time that I hadn't seen him smiling and I wondered if I had wounded him, "Yeah, 'course. Whatever you want."

We pulled up to the Ikea in Burbank and parked, and Sirius looked at me, wide-eyed and stunned. "Don't fuck with me Remus, this…" he gestured to the giant blue and yellow building in front of us that was the biggest one I'd ever seen, "this is a fucking furniture store?! It looks like several goddamn airplane hangers put together."

"Just you wait," I told him unbuckling my seatbelt, "I have a feeling you're going to lose it."

I was not wrong.

"This is fucking NUTS!" Sirius leaned dangerously far over the escalator as we took it up to the second floor to start making our way through the maze of mock rooms that made up the Ikea showroom. I pulled on the back of his shirt, trying not to be distracted by the amount of tan skin this action revealed.

"You're going to kill yourself. God Sirius don't lean that far over."

"Okay Dad sorry." Sirius snickered but he stopped leaning over the escalator.

When we got to the top Sirius' eyes lit up as he surveyed the floor full of mock-rooms and tiny apartments. "YOU COULD LIVE HERE!" He nearly ran to the first room, threw himself on the couch and put his feet up on the coffee table. I rolled my eyes and picked up a pencil and pad to record the numbers of the furniture. When I walked over to Sirius he was wiggling his feet and looking incredibly pleased.

"It's like a goddamn Swedish Disneyland dude."

I laughed, "And like Disneyland, we've got a long way to go, you can't spend ten minutes sitting on every couch along the way."

"This one is comfy though, you should get it."

I turned over the ticket and laughed, "No way, it's almost two thousand dollars."

Sirius' eyes got, if possible, even wider, "That's it?! Dude that's hella cheap."

"Not at Ikea Sirius, you've got a lot to learn."

"It gets cheaper?"

"Jesus you're spoiled aren't you?"

"Yeah well, I'm amazing so…"

"You've got to be kidding with me."

Sirius looked me dead in the eyes from his slouched perch on the couch, "Absolutely not, I'm completely Sirius."

"Okay, that's enough," I said exasperatedly, throwing up my hands a bit dramatically and trying to hide a smile, "I'm leaving your punny ass here." I didn't want to laugh but something about his mix of monetary ignorance and over-the-top childish antics meant that I couldn't help it. _You are not supposed to find him funny. He is a complete wank. He wants you to laugh, wants the attention. Don't you fall for it._ I wasn't going to be just another sad sack who gave Sirius Black attention, even if I wanted to be. I started walking away towards the next room, which had a smaller sofa with shelves built into the side and back that was a bit more my style.

Sirius jogged to catch up with me and threw an arm around my shoulders, he was a few inches taller than me with a much longer torso and so his arm fit comfortably there. He smelled good, like rain and wood and cigarette smoke. "No one ever leaves my ass Lupin."

"This is going to be a long day if you don't focus and help me pick out furniture."

"Okay," he said with mock composure, "I promise to be on my best behavior."

His best behavior it turned out, involved pretending that each room was part of his house, picking up everything that wasn't tied down, arguing with me about the color of the upholstery, trying to wear curtains like a toga, spinning around on the desk chairs, forcing me to lay next to him on every mattress, climbing through (and getting stuck in) the children's tunnel, and generally making a fool of himself. I tried to contain the damage, shooting apologizing looks at passerby and generally steering him away from irate employees but it was difficult to try to pretend to be stern with him when I was snorting with laughter. When I pointed out that people were staring, he just responded shrugging and laughing "of course they're staring, we're gorgeous". He was an idiot for sure, but you had to admire him for his general lack of fucks.

"I can't afford that one, Black!" Sirius was sitting on the edge of one of the nicer beds in the showroom. This one was a mid tone warm wood with a dark blue upholstered headboard that looked like a lovely place to lean back on while reading a book. I really did like it, and so arguing with Sirius about why I wasn't going to buy it was proving to be difficult.

"Remus it is only $499. And it's the bed! It is the literal centerpiece of your life, sleeping, watching TV, fuck-"

"OKAY OKAY shut up oh my god those people are giving us the boss eyes." I cut him off as a posh looking couple with a little girl hastily pulled her away from the madman and his terrible language, "Look Sirius I have to buy a whole bedroom and living room/office I can't get the exact one I want of everything."

"I'm just saying that other bed you wrote down looks like it would break if you were using it properly." He had a point here, but the metal one was $350 less and that was a large amount of money for some fake wood.

I laughed and felt my cheeks getting hot, "I don't think we have to worry about me using it for anything other than sleeping."

"Please. You're going to get so much fucking play in Los Angeles dude. You're fucking cute."

"Okay but we were talking about the bed."

"Ahhhh," Sirius looked satisfied with himself, one hand on his hip, "You can't take a compliment can you?"

I was absolutely bright red at this point. I felt like his eyes were appraising me. I knew that look, I'd seen it before. "Sirius focus, the bed."

"Well I still say you gotta splurge on the bed," he said and he started cracking up, "Oh my GOD that sounded SO WRONG!" Then he laugh-snorted so loudly that across the aisle a woman started giggling. I laughed so hard I was crying and had to sit down next to him on the bed. It was several minutes before the two of us even calmed down enough to speak to one another and I was wiping the tears from my eyes with the back of my arm.

"Okay Lupin, I'm buying the bed."

"What? You are not."

"We're roomies now right? Family. And I fuckin' like you."

"I mean I like you too so far-"

"So far? Fuck the hell off." He looked actually offended so I tried once again to redirect his attention to the task at hand.

"I just mean it's $500 Sirius. I can't accept that, we barely know each other."

"Just let me buy you a house warming gift. Stop making such a big fucking deal over it. It's just money."

"I can't Sirius. It's just too much money."

"Okay well I'm buying this bed because the headboard is dope and I know you like it a ton more than the other one, AND because I've jumped on it and know it's sturdy enough," And the cheeky bastard winked at me again, "So if you buy that other shitty $150 one you'll have two beds and I know that back house is spacious but I don't think two queen beds would fit in it."

What was I going to say? I could already tell by the way that he drew himself up when he said it, the way his tone shifted to all-business, (and I turned out to be right) that Sirius wasn't the kind of person who takes no for an answer. He gave orders like someone that was used to having those orders obeyed. Someone who had heard 'yes' a few too many times. When he gets his mind stuck on something there's no moving him. So I sighed and smiled at him.

"Okay. Thank you. I don't know what to say."

He stood, took the pencil from my hand and wrote down the number of the new bed on the pad that already had a long list of the other furniture I was buying. "Thank you will do, Lupin. Now let's go get the last few things, you told me there's ice cream at the end of this and I am all about that."

He complained all the way through picking out rugs and curtains and throw pillows (I really like throw pillows okay?) but when we got to actually picking up all the boxes from the warehouse the biggest problem I had was trying not to just stand there and watch him load cart after cart with heavy boxes. Give me a break, yeah? He was showing a lot of skin and I'm on a lot of testosterone. Together we wheeled the loaded carts to the delivery counter (and went back for two more). A little more than $3,500 later, I had a bed, couch, bedside table, desk, two chairs, two rugs, coffee table, lights, shelves, TV stand, dresser, sheets and towels, comforter, curtains, throw pillows, a large cactus Sirius was calling "the scary phallus", and even a warm blanket that reminded me of one of my favorite old jumpers. I had only spend so much money at once one other time in my life, when I bought a shitty old car my first year of uni from a kid that I had a crush on at the time. The car worked out, the crush...not so much.

I treated Sirius to an ice cream, which I figured was less than he deserved after spending five hours with me in Ikea and buying me a bed. But it was the most that he'd accept. I didn't know what else to do. But he seemed happy enough, he did flush a bit red when I wouldn't stop thanking him, so I guess he appreciated it even if he told me to "shut the actual fuck up". Somehow he was still full of energy even after lifting hundreds of pounds of furniture and walking all over the certifiably biggest Ikea in the country. If I had been worried about how nice his car was on the way there, I worried less on the way back, leaning back into the incredibly soft seats and putting my head back felt like a reward after carting box after box to the delivery desk.

Sirius looked over and grinned, "Big day huh?"

I nodded, "I'm glad I only have one day until the mattress shows up, today has been a lot. The moving and the shopping and your bolloxology."

"Um excuse me?" He laughed, "What the actual fuck did you just call me?"

"Bolloxology, you know, messing about. Your BS."

"Holy fuck that is a ridiculous word."

"You're a ridiculous word."

"Oh fantastic comeback, real smart. I can see why they let you into a PhD program."

"You are such a muppet, and yes before you ask it means you're an idiot."

Sirius grinned, I had the distinct impression that he took most insults as if they were compliments - a trait which made him infinitely charming, and infinitely frustrating at the same time. He turned up the radio and some alternative rock band was playing. As we sat quietly in traffic on the 5, the sun started to set, and it glinted deep red off the building windows, bathing the car in a warm light. It felt like we were glowing, the windows rolled down, the air just a touch stagnant between the hot cars. I felt a pang of homesickness. It was so different from the cloudy, misty-cool nights of Dublin, the old stone streets, the bustle of Grafton, the smell of the grass and trees in the park across from my favorite pub. I missed my warm jumpers with the permanent smell of tea clinging to them, the cigarette smoke hanging lazily in the air around the corner shop, proper chocolate. I missed stumbling out of The George at 3am scuttered as fuck all with my mates Sean and Frankie after a drag show and a heavy drinking session.

As excited as I was about the new furniture, the new graduate program, the new friends and colleagues, the new roommates even, there was something sad about the perfect California horizon reflecting the last glimpses of the day. Something huge and daunting about the hot city that made me feel a bit lost, as if between the picture perfect landscape and the rubbish in the gutter there was a facade that frightened and excited me in equal measure. It was all just so big. And I was holding on to a runaway train - Los Angeles felt like a million miles away from home. This was what it felt like, I thought a bit ruefully, to be homesick. This was also what it felt like to make something of yourself.

We arrived back at the house when it was dark, after stopping to pick up food for a whiny James who was bored without Sirius around to annoy him. When we pulled up to the house I smiled, I still could not believe that somehow I'd gotten a spot in this mansion. I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for them to find out who I was - emphasis on the _was_ \- but maybe they were the good sort. Maybe…

Sirius opened the door, I didn't have a key to the front house yet, and Padfoot came bounding out. James, hair wild, glasses halfway down his nose, was sitting on the couch in front of Comedy Central working on his laptop. He lit up when he saw Sirius which I thought was sweet until-

"FOOD!" He exclaimed gleefully. "Fucking finally! Oh god is that Golden Hen?! Yesssss."

Sirius and I passed him several containers of Chinese food and he ate faster than I thought was humanly possible. How he could eat the amount meant for a medium sized family and be as thin as he was I have no idea. I've since learned that James is a human garbage can and his jittery, always-in-motion body consumes calories at an unbelievable rate. Some guys get all the luck.

"How did it go at Ikea?" He asked through a mouth of vegetable fried rice.

"I think it was quite an education for Sirius."

"Did you know they have ICE CREAM there dude?! It's amazing it's huge and they have all these tiny apartments in it and they sell like pots and pans for like five dollars!"

"Yeah," James replied nonchalantly, digging through a new container of food, "I went with the Dork when she and Marlene got their new place."

"I saw their couch!"

"Sorry, who?" I looked confusedly from one loudly chewing roommate to the other.

"Oh!" Sirius dropped the spring roll he was holding. "James we should have them over tomorrow when Wolfram here has all his furniture delivered." The conversation was getting further and further from something that I could track, it was like they were speaking their own language.

"Sorry," I said, wincing at the apology, "but who are we talking about, and erm...did you just call me Wolfram?"

Sirius shrugged but there was a slyness to his eyes. "Marls and the Dork-"

But James cut in, "Marlene and Dorcas are our lesbian friends. Marlene went to high school with Sirius and I, and she picked up a girlfriend up in Berkeley. Marlene and Sirius used to date before they both caught the gay so they're still weirdly in love with one another."

Sirius shrugged again, "She's a fucking bombshell, who wouldn't be fond of her?"

"I certainly am, too bad she's given up guys."

I laughed at James, "Not for her, statistically women who have sex with women have way more orgasms."

James looked affronted, "Okay, listen to PhD over here. But I'll have you know, I'm a giver."

"Where you stick your dick is neither here nor there -" Sirius started, but I cut him off.

"Yeah, apparently it's nowhere at all."

James threw a fortune cookie at me but I dodged left quickly enough that it merely hit the couch behind me. Sirius laughed so hard that he almost spilt his beer, "Well he's got you figured out hasn't he?"

James looked at him through narrowed eyes but said nothing so Sirius eventually lapsed into a teary-eyed silence. "Okay okay, but for real Marlene and Dorcas should come over tomorrow cause we can all build Remus' furniture together. We were going to plan a party to welcome Remus to the family but maybe just do this on the DL. Don't want to scare him too much."

"You really don't have to do that." The last thing I needed was to be the center of attention. I wasn't even adjusted to the two guys I had moved in with. Now I had to worry about impressing their friends? And I hadn't had a moment to myself. I really thought I'd be building by myself, maybe some Netflix on my computer. But what was I supposed to say? They wanted to be nice. They wanted to make an effort. _Come on Remus. You can't move all the way to America and then not make a fucking effort to be social._

"I mean we don't have to do anything dude. We're doing this because you seem cool and we like to have a good time." James grinned and ran a hand through his hair which left a piece of rice along his temple. I decided not to point this out but instead grinned right back at him. I caught Sirius' eye who smiled conspiratorially at me, he'd clearly seen James make a mess of himself too. I knew immediately that he was also planning to let James sit there like a tool rather than say anything.

"So Marlene and Dorcas won't mind helping? It is a lot of work."

"Nah," Sirius couldn't tear his eyes away from the rice in James' hair, he was not exactly the best at keeping a straight face but perhaps Sirius staring weirdly at him was routine because James seemed not to notice, "They're lesbians they're good at building stuff you know."

I rolled my eyes, "I'm going to text Lily too?"

James lit up like a fucking ray of sunshine. I almost instantly regretted suggesting it. Things always get complicated when your mates want to bone one another, but on the other hand, I didn't want to be totally outnumbered with people that I didn't know and since I'd moved to Los Angeles, Lily was the only person I'd met from abroad. Sure she was from England, but you have to take what you can get when no one in America can make a decent cup of tea.

Sirius nodded, "I mean the more hands the easier it'll be right? We can do beer and pizza and maybe even swim a bit."

"I'm already texting the girls." James was tapping madly at his phone.

That night, after stuffing my face with Chinese food with James and Sirius, I padded upstairs to sleep in one of the guest bedrooms after James absolutely refused to let me spend the night on the sofa. Despite myself I think I was already starting to like the two idiots. It was weird, I'd never had cis guy mates in Ireland that would stick around for very long. Something about my having a vagina. Sure there were lads that would return my texts periodically, or that were good for a pint or two. I don't know what made them scare so easily - I was still the same guy. I'd been lucky, I'd been able to pass as a (perhaps effeminate) guy for awhile even before I started testosterone. But it was always the same once they found out - the queers, the ones that had wanted to fuck me, or to keep me around to see if they wanted to fuck me, when they found out that I lacked something they liked, that was enough reason to abandon ship. The straights, the ones that were good for a night out on the piss or that didn't mind me when I was a winner for their team in football, they disappeared entirely. I was no longer one of the gang. Didn't matter that the dosage I was on meant I had more testo in my system than some of them. I liked them, yeah, but I also didn't want to get attached. Being attached, hoping for something more than a casual friendship with cis guys was like - it was asking for heartbreak.

I waited until I heard the two of them head to bed before I stripped down to my boxer briefs. I lifted my arms and pulled my binder off slowly, peeling it away from my ribs and wincing. Too many hours in it today meant that I was probably going to feel it tomorrow. Even with the new ones I'd ordered there was always that inability to take a deep breath, the pull on the ribs that made you sore and sweaty after a long day in the thing. It was one thing in Dublin where it never got too hot, but here, where it seemingly never dipped under 70, adding an extra layer was tough. I touched my chest a bit and it was tender but I didn't think I'd have bruises. I thought about how James and Sirius had invited their friends over tomorrow and sighed. I probably wouldn't have much chance to go without the damn thing tomorrow either. Swimming? It was out of the question - I was going to have to find a reason to pass.

I could have just told them when I came in for the interview. Lily never asked me why I didn't even though she knew, for which I was grateful. I had been open with the department at USC, had even mentioned it in my entrance essay. I was working on trans and queer literature and film it wasn't the most difficult puzzle to piece together. Somehow though, I just hadn't been able to do it. I didn't want to lose the chance at the room, and sure, I guess I liked them. Now it was as if I were keeping it from them. Every day that passed meant that I was going to get more attached to my new mansion, my new mates. It would be better to get it all out in the open now and find out if they were going to be phobic.

But now I'd ordered the furniture. It was coming tomorrow, and leaving was going to be a bit harder when I had a small apartment's worth of furniture to move along with the boxes that were currently in the pool house. I ran my hands through my hair, trying not to let the fear that shot through me overwhelm me. Sirius was queer, he specifically asked for a queer roommate. It wasn't going to matter. And anyway, there was no reason why they should find out.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** Sorry, sorry, sorry to have left anyone in suspense. I could give you tons of excuses for why this chapter took so long to write (working three jobs, finally coming out to my parents etc) but there's also just the fact that this one didn't want to be written. There are a lot of voices in this chapter and they spent most of the time talking over one another in my head. Anyway, enjoy this mess of a chapter, in which Remus meets the other queers that make up this motley crew, everyone gets blisters from Ikea construction, and someone is pushed in the pool. I should also mention that Remus' experience of his gender is based on my own gender journey™ and does not speak for every trans guy etc. etc. Onwards!  
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

* * *

 **Lily E:** So you want me to come over to the mansion for a party?  
 **Me:** I told you, we're building furniture, it isn't like it's going to be a star-studded affair.  
 **Lily E:** I don't know about that, James is going to be there right?  
 **Me:** Yeah but Lily...  
 **Lily E:** Okay okay. You want me to bring coffee? I'll pick up Mary on the way for some more backup.  
 **Me:** Am I even breathing? Of course I want coffee. She's the one that I met at the department welcome party right?  
 **Lily E:** Yeah. She lives like a block away from me so we see each other all the time.  
 **Me:** I really liked her.  
 **Lily E:** We'll see you at 2! :)

In the morning, I tiptoed downstairs before either James or Sirius woke up so that I had time to shower and get changed without having to put on my binder again on the way down. After cleaning up, I pushed my suitcases to the side of the pool house, trying to make room for the boxes of furniture that the Ikea guys would be bringing. Sirius and James said that we could build out on the patio so that we'd have more room and then we'd carry everything into my space to set it up. That way everyone could work and hang out in the same area. It only took a minute or so to get everything out of the way, so I wandered into the main house to watch TV and make coffee and hopefully have a few minutes of relaxation before the backyard was inundated with cardboard and spare screws.

Sirius was even awake before noon, if people were going to coming over, he would get up early (apparently 11:30 am was early for him) so that he had time to make sure his hair was washed, blow dryed, and presentable for the company. James assured me that this was normal for him, that it was part of his routine. I tried my utmost not to laugh at this but (unsurprisingly) did not succeed.

"I know, I know," James said, running a hand through that crazy hair of his, "Sirius is, well, he's a bit extra."

I raised my eyebrows and James folded, "Okay he's absolutely ridiculous. But he means well."

"What does it say about you that you're his best mate?"

James shrugged, "That I have a heart of gold and can't resist a basket-case?"

"Takes one to know one."

"Very rude thing to say Lupin. And to think we took you in."

"Took me in? I am paying rent you know, I'm not a lost puppy."

James shrugged and busied himself pouring milk into his coffee.

I continued, "I mean Sirius does have really nice hair...both of you do. Actually I was wondering if it's a requirement for living in the house...?"

"Don't worry, your hair is passable enough for you to stay."

"You don't think I could use a new conditioner?"

James leaned against the counter of the kitchen, his long lanky body stretched out like a lazy cat. He was wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with the name of the NPR radio station that he worked for and a set of old sweatpants that looked like they'd been turned soft with over-wear. His glasses kept sliding down his nose a bit as he spoke and he hesitated, perhaps not sure whether to use the hand not holding his coffee mug to push them back up or to continuously muss up his own hair. He was, objectively, quite handsome in that annoying I'm-not-even-trying-this-is-how-I-woke-up fashion I never seemed to pull off. I tried not to blame this on him. "I mean I think maybe Sirius has some extra moroccan argan oil that you could borrow."

"What even is that?!"

"I honestly have no idea," James sipped from his coffee mug nonchalantly, "Something that Sirius puts in his hair once a week and then wraps it up in a towel so he looks exactly like some basic white girl who just got out of the spa."

"I'm really looking forward to seeing that."

"Ugh I don't know why. I can't unsee it"

I pulled a shot from the espresso machine at the counter and grabbed some almond milk from the fridge. Once the coffee was made, I perched myself on one of the bar stools near the enormous kitchen island.

"So what time is the furniture coming?"

"Around 2 this afternoon. Did you guys get in contact with your friends?"

"Yeah Marlene and Dorcas are coming over around 3 after Dorcas finishes practice for the day."

"Practice?"

"She works for the Galaxy and she's there for their practices and stuff. Used to be a soccer player in college."

"They really didn't have to come over to build my furniture."

"Is this going to be a thing with you?" James looked smug, "You know, like you're always going to be saying that people don't have to do things for you?"

"What? I-"

"Anyway chances are Sirius is going to put the legs on the wrong side of your bed and fuck the whole thing up or something so don't thank anyone just yet."

I grinned at him, "He does seem pretty confident about his building skills for someone that didn't even know Ikea existed."

James rolled his eyes and sighed, "Yeah well he's confident about everything isn't he?"

* * *

By two in the afternoon James and I had settled into comfortable silence, each tapping away on our computers while old 30 Rock episodes played in the background and we waited for the Ikea guys to arrive. Sirius emerged from upstairs in a cloud of steam and cologne. His hair was, after all the discussion between James and I, looking perfect - like he had somehow managed to make it silky, smooth, shiny and healthy without making any effort at all. He actually flipped it as he descended the stairs and James rolled his eyes at his computer without even looking up.

"Sirius you're the gayest fuck I've ever seen."

Sirius laughed, "Watching a lot of gays fuck recently James?"

"Yeah right! Your friend Evans is coming over today right Remus?"

I narrowed my eyes at him, "I don't see why that's relevant James."

Sirius saw me and threw himself down on the couch next to me, I shook my head at him. "You smell nice."

"I know." The cheeky bastard winked at me.

James tapped out a text on his phone, "Don't compliment him Remus, he's already got more self-confidence than is normal for several people."

Sirius grinned, "Turns out I have enough talent for several people too so it actually works out perfectly."

"Talent," I said, "talent doing what?"

"Wouldn't you like to know."

I must have blushed bright red because James couldn't stop laughing.

"Can you fucking stop Sirius?! You're going to give him a goddamn heart attack and we finally found someone sane to live in the pool house."

I was going to protest this, I didn't need James coming to my rescue and I'd be happy to put Sirius in his place myself, but before I had the chance to voice any of this the doorbell rang. Padfoot rocketed downstairs barking madly and Sirius threw himself over the back of the couch to run down the hall to the door as well. James, on the other hand, hadn't moved at all, hadn't even looked up from his phone screen.

"LESBIANS! THE LESBIANS ARE HERE," Sirius bellowed.

For a moment I wondered whether I should meet Marlene and Dorcas at the door or stay put but by the time I had decided to get up, Sirius' loud voice echoed down the hall "What the actual fuck? You're not our lesbians."

"No, we're not anyone's lesbians. Sirius this is Mary, Mary this is Remus' mental new roommate. What have you done with Remus? Did you kill him already?"

Lily Evans appeared in the doorway to the hall looking as if she'd somehow captured the sunset, her long red hair shining, her bright green eyes flashing and in her hands, two large cups of coffee. I'd never seen anything more beautiful. She set her bag down on the kitchen island and as she did, her eyes fell on the La Marzocco in the corner.

"You didn't tell me that you had an espresso machine here Remus."

Oh, she was angry. "I mean, erm, I didn't realized that I did until this morning."

"So why did I stop and get coffee?"

"Because, you love me and value our friendship?"

She pushed the cup into my hand a bit roughly but laughed anyway, "God knows why I do. You're nothing but trouble."

Mary walked into the room closely followed by Sirius, who was already trading hair-care secrets with her. She was shorter than Lily by a bit, with a heart shaped face, large soft eyes, and short dark hair with straight bangs. We'd met once before at the departmental mixer that was meant to entice visiting prospective students to attend USC. Since we both studied film, Lily had gotten us talking and we'd spent the better part of the party debating the best superhero movies, the idiocy of colorblind casting, and whether or not live-action movie remakes of anime were always doomed to fail. Today she was wearing an oversized button down shirt and leggings and smiling from ear to ear as she humored Sirius. "Yeah," he said, "but I use the coconut oil in the summer when it gets hotter 'cause my hair tends to get more brittle around then."

Mary smiled at me, "Hey Remus."

I hugged her, she smelled like rosewater, "Thanks for coming. I know this isn't probably the most exciting social event that you've ever been invited to."

Mary shrugged, "Well it was either this or read and annotate another book of theory that I should have started much much earlier in the summer so, at least building furniture includes good company and free food."

"Yeah," Sirius snapped in front of James' eyes, since he was unabashedly staring at Lily, "James order that pizza."

The doorbell rang again.

I let the Ikea guys around the back and had them stack all the boxes on the patio. I tipped them and by the time they'd left and I was back in the kitchen, everyone was grouped around the kitchen island looking over the pizza menu and arguing about the perfect toppings.

"No dumbass," James was saying, "Dorcas is a vegetarian."

Sirius giggled, and said in a whisper, "vag-itarian."

Lily knocked him over the head with an open hand.

"What?! I'm allowed to say that. She's my lesbian."

"Pretty sure that I'm Dorcas' lesbian, dog-breath." A girl I assumed was Marlene was leaning against the back sliding door that I had left open. She had big blue eyes, black eyeliner so sharp that it was borderline dangerous, and blonde hair that cascaded over her shoulders and in gentle waves. She was willowy with long arms and legs and pale skin that made her bright red lipstick stand out even more. She was dressed in a old Ramones t-shirt that was once black but was now a faded grey and was tucked into high-waisted black jeans. My immediate impression was of a girl that had spent her whole life being the hot one, and with an entrance like this one, she might give Sirius a run for his money to win the award for most dramatic.

Behind her stood another girl with dark skin and incredibly curly hair that was shaved on the right side. She was a bit taller, with a gold septum piercing and a Los Angeles Galaxy t-shirt. She had a wide nose with a smattering of freckles across it and her cheeks, even a few dotted her full lips. She wrapped an arm around Marlene's waist and smiled down at her, and when she spoke her voice was measured and reassuring, "You know we could have just come through the front door."

"Sure," Marlene smirked, "but look at their faces."

Sirius ran over and grabbed Marlene, picking her up and spinning her around before she smacked him enough times that he put her down. Then he put his head between her breasts and she pushed him away.

"You fucking asshole," she laughed, "You can't get enough huh?"

Sirius turned to Dorcas as James greeted Marlene with a normal hug.

"You better be giving her so many orgasms."

Dorcas raised her eyebrows, sizing up Sirius who was almost the same height as she was, "More than you did you big queer."

James went around the room and introduced everyone, "Marlene, Dorcas this is Lily and Mary and that over there is Remus Lupin our new roommate and the one who is forcing us into slave labor this afternoon."

I waved a bit half-heartedly. If I'm totally honest, I sometimes get a bit awkward around lesbians. It's not a misogynist thing, they just tend to be able to spot gender-nonconformity better than gay guys or heteros. I think it must have something to do with the fact that butches are so accepted as a part of lesbian culture in the way that really femmey gay guys can sometimes be on the outs. It doesn't really matter, I guess I'm just always nervous that they're going to say something, out me in a way that will make other people notice what they may have overlooked before. Plus, I did spend quite a bit of time as a butch before I began transitioning. Sometimes I really miss being a part of that family.

Dorcas nodded at me, "Nice to meet you Remus. I hope these idiots haven't given you too much trouble."

"No," I smiled, "But I'm sure they will."

Marlene squealed, "Oh my god listen to that accent." She crossed the distance between us in two short steps and just as I went to stick out my hand she swept me into a bone-crushing hug. I panicked and patted her awkwardly on the back of the shoulder. She smelled fresh, like clean laundry and lavender and some sharp citrus fruit that put me in mind of summer and elaborately fruity mixed drinks that disguised the amount of alcohol contained within. She let me go eventually, but only as far as her outstretched arms reached, which she had on my shoulders. She looked over at Dorcas and grinned.

"He's fucking adorable. Can we keep him?"

Sirius laughed a booming bark of a laugh that sounded remarkably like Padfoot, "You can't have him Marls, he's mine...I mean you know, ours."

A chorus of "Ohhhhhhhh" went up from James and Marlene and James winked obscenely at me while nudging Lily in the ribs (she looked less than thrilled about this, rubbing the spot in her side where James' elbow had hit and looking put out). I extracted myself from Marlene just as Dorcas began to lead a chant of "Freudian slip, Freudian slip!" at Sirius. For the first time in the few days that I met him, embarrassment flit briefly across his face before he expertly replaced it with sassy defiance (apparently his go-to look).

"He should be so lucky," Sirius gestured to his body, "to have all of this. But you know I'm a free spirit, uncagable, unflappable, uncomparable."

"Incomparable," Mary offered, "you can't just make up words."

"Oh Mary darling," Marlene offered, "Sirius does whatever the heck he wants, literally all the time."

"And the world, is better off for it." Sirius supplied, "Now it seems to me that we're all just fucking staring at one another when we should be staring at one another while holding booze. James, order the damn pizza already."

James got on the phone, muttering something about having Sirius' credit card number memorized and once we were all supplied with beer or some ridiculously strong mixed drinks that Sirius had whipped up we trooped out to the backyard and divided the boxes up so that a group of two or three would tackle each piece of furniture. I smiled, sipping my beer, and thought vaguely that mixing alcohol and flat-pack furniture construction may not have been the smartest idea. If I had any luck, most of the bigger items would be finished before anyone got so intoxicated that they couldn't decipher the instructions (which, after all, only had pictures and not written steps). Sirius and Lily started putting together the bed, James sat with Dorcas and Mary and began on the dresser and Marlene stood next to me staring at the pile in between large gulps of something with pineapple and rum in it.

"I should warn you," Marlene stressed, "I consider myself far too beautiful to work up a sweat." She laughed as she said it, and the way she cocked her head reminded me forcefully of the same gesture Sirius had made a few times already. The two of them really were a dynamic duo. It was as if the same being had been split into two queer people, one dark and the other light - the yin and yang of overconfidence, stunning looks, and that weird borderland between charming and insufferable. I wasn't sure whether she was being funny or trying to get out of helping or both? The comment disarmed me, and I didn't exactly know how to answer this pronouncement. I settled for shuffling a bit back and forth from one foot to the other.

"Erm…"

She must have taken pity on me, "I am just kidding! Jesus you are new aren't you? Okay, I'll do my best to be a reasonable human for a bit and we can bring you into the kiddie pool one foot at a time."

I must have looked as confused as I felt at this.

"We're kind of a weird but dangerous gang," she shrugged, looking out at an already squabbling Lily and Sirius, "it'd probably best if you don't dive head first into it or you'll catch the strange."

"Don't worry," I assured her, "I'm good with strange."

"Then you're going to fit right in here. Now pick a box and let's get all this heavy lifting over so we can drink for real."

The building went largely without major incident. Sirius did accidently try to hammer his own thumb and at one point James put the legs on the wrong side of the desk but no one (either human or furniture) was seriously maimed or broken which was a triumph considering. It only took two hours to put together everything but the side tables and the shelves, which I was planning to do in front of the TV the next day. The back patio was scattered with discarded instructions, the odd screw or plastic piece that had seemed suspiciously extra, and piles upon piles of now empty cardboard boxes. The pizza was passed around, second and then third drinks were poured, and everyone was nicely buzzed by the time the sun had started to creep down into the treeline and the warm summer breeze had cooled into a balmy and pleasant evening whisper.

Marlene and Dorcas turned out to be hilarious company. They struck a balance, Marlene flitting around and seemingly unable to stay on either one task or one topic for more than a few minutes at a time, Dorcas followed after, redirecting Marlene, teasing her, and largely keeping her as focused as possible. Marlene had a habit of leaning back against Dorcas whenever they stood near one another, so that Dorcas would wrap her arms around Marlene's waist and this seemed to encapsulate their relationship as I observed it. Dorcas, a bit quieter, nevertheless was whip-sharp, with a sense of sarcasm that lashed hilariously but not maliciously out at James, Sirius, and Marlene in turn.

Sirius and Marlene, on the other hand, only seemed to dial one another up. They were waging a noisy and over-the-top war of the wills, trying to out-do one another in ridiculousness and shock value, which led to overly detailed jokes and jibes about one another's' sex lives, fancifully extrapolated stories that got grander and more unbelievable as they were told, and at several points, all-out physical play-fighting which left both of them complaining about the other's attacks on their hair.

I sat on the edge of the pool, jeans rolled up and toes swirling through the water. Lily was next to me, working on the same something that Marlene had been drinking earlier. I gathered that this pineapple concoction was one of Sirius' specialties and accordingly, I had decided to stick with beer. Lily, on the other hand, was on either her fourth drink and I was about to suggest that she perhaps have a water or two before Sirius poured anything else for her to drink. However, he looked awfully busy - he, Dorcas and James were trying to arrange the cardboard boxes into a fort, standing the long ones up and using the shorter ones as building blocks or mock furniture. Marlene was of course sabotaging the building, sneaking from side to side kicking over boxes while trying to avoid being swept up into the arms of her girlfriend.

Mary sat down on my other side, adding her feet to the water and gripping the edge of the pool with her hands. Lily looked up and smiled at her.

"Having fun Mary? You're awfully quiet."

Mary rolled her eyes, "I'm not sure how anyone could get much of a word in with those four around."

"Yeah," I agreed fondly, "they are a bit more than I'm used to."

"The decibel level alone," she stated, but with more edge to her voice, "it's like looking after my three nephews, I'm exhausted. I don't think I could ever live here if they're like this all the time."

Lily laughed, a golden sound that hung in the air before her, causing James to momentarily look away from his cardboard construction like a dog catching sight of a squirrel, "They are literally building a fort with boxes so perhaps the comparison isn't entirely unfair."

"I kind of like it," I shrugged, "I can just sort of observe. Anyway, it's nice that they don't care about looking like utter pillocks. I miss being that care free."

Lily nodded but Mary looked at me strangely, "But you're so mature. I mean, I…" she blushed but soldiered on, "you seem like the kind of guy who prefers um...I don't know...different company. More grown-up or intellectual company."

Lily intervened, "I think Mary means you seem like an old soul."

Mary nodded quickly, "Yeah, that's one of the things I like most about you."

This struck me as odd considering Mary and I hadn't spent much time together at all. Sure, we'd got on well at the departmental event, but I didn't think we'd spent enough time together for her to determine the age of my soul at all, or to make a list of things that she liked about me, marking 'old soul' as the most liked. I didn't like what was happening here. She seemed to have decided that in some way she or I or maybe the both of us were above Sirius, James, Dorcas and Marlene. Why? Because they were loud and exuberant? I gazed back over at their makeshift fort, which they were now trying to get a roof on without knocking over the walls. Marlene had apparently given up her attack and was stretched out on one of the lounge chairs shouting directions which Sirius and James were studiously ignoring. Dorcas had gotten ahold of a fat marker and was drawing windows on the outside of the walls.

I smiled at Mary but inside I was feeling the beginnings of anger bubbling up in my gut. "Just because they're loud and like to have a bit of a craic doesn't mean they're un-intellectual," I snapped at her and she looked taken aback, "perhaps you should lighten up a bit Mary. It's a drinking session not a seminar."

I stood and withdrew my feet from the pool, walking away while trying to avoid looking back at what I'm sure would be Mary's angry face. Where did she get off insulting my new roommates, my new friends? I was feeling oddly protective of these fools and their cardboard house and their stupid fruity drinks. Something in her undertone, something in the intellectual snobbery that turned me off from many of the graduate students I'd met in the past, something about a cis straight woman sneering down her nose at a group of queers. I knew that I was probably overreacting, it was probably partially the beer making my anger spike higher than it normally would have (I definitely felt it rush to my head as I stood from my place on the edge of the pool). But these weirdos had given me a place to live, had already made me feel at home, accepted, one of the gang as Marlene put it.

It was a short skip from thinking you're smarter than someone to thinking you're better than them. And another small jump to thinking you know what's right for them. I shook my head attempting to clear it. Poor Lily, she was going to have to do some damage control with Mary but, I reminded myself, she'd been the one to bring her in the first place. I walked over to James, who had finally got the roof to stay and was standing back from the fort admiring his handiwork.

"Well done mate." I grinned at him, forcing myself to leave the unpleasantness of Mary's jugement behind, "Now I'll have somewhere to live for that rent I'm paying you."

"Are you kidding Lupin? You couldn't afford this place. We're going to be listing this masterpiece on Craigslist for double what you're paying for that hovel of a pool-house."

Sirius poked his head out from the inside of the fort, his hair sticking out of its bun at all angles, "Bullshit! There's no way I'm letting anyone else live here! This is my damn castle. I just finished the throne for christsakes."

"Permission to enter, your highness?" I bowed low.

Marlene laughed from her chair and hollered at me, "I imagine he's been asked that a few hundred times before!"

Sirius shot her a scathing look before nodding at me in mock solemnity and affecting an over-the-top British accent that likely would have sent Lily into a rage, "Permission granted my good sir, do watch your head."

The inside of the fort was a bit stuffy and unsurprisingly smelled overwhelmingly of slightly damp cardboard as a few of the boxes had drinks or pool water splashed upon them in the construction of the fort. It was dark and in the fading sunset light filtering in from outside I could just make out the stack of smaller boxes that Sirius had arranged to create a kind of weird chair. It didn't look like it was going to support his weight but it was decorated with some of the leftover hardware from the building which caught the light and glinted silver.

"Allow me," Sirius continued in his accent, "to give you the royal tour."

"Carry on, my liege." I laughed.

"Over here," he gestured to one corner of the fort, "you'll find the grand reception hall where the lords and ladies gather to shower their king with gifts, affection and compliments."

"As well they should, your highness," I supplied, trying to suppress a giggle.

"And here is of course, the royal throne. Perfectly constructed to flatter the royal behind, which is of course the king's most valuable asset."

"Asset?" I laughed, breaking character, "Really?!"

"Don't sass me Lupin." Sirius barked, "a royal must be both mentally and physically a paragon of beauty and class."

"Wait but I thought you said you were the king?"

Sirius looked scandalized, and clutched a hand to his chest. "You wound me, mortally. How dare you speak such to your king?!"

"Well I don't know how you got to be king, I didn't vote for you."

"TREASON." Sirius yelled, "TREASONOUS SLIME. GUARDS!"

Dorcas' head looked around the side of the entrance to the fort.

"What are you screaming about you fuckwad?"

"THIS PEASANT HAS DARED TO QUESTION MY ROYAL LEGITIMACY!" Sirius pointed at me accusingly and I saw a flash of mischief in Dorcas' eye that I didn't like the look of, "OFF WITH HIS HEAD CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD."

Dorcas looked mock-seriously at me, "Did you, sir, question the legitimacy of our lord and savior, king of the box-fort and royal jackass, Sirius Alastair Gerald George Harold Anthony Black the Third of his name?!" I marveled that she was able to come up with so many middle names at the drop of a hat and then briefly wondered whether Sirius didn't actually have several middle names. Maybe that was his actual name? Impossible.

"I did!" I pronounced defiantly, "And I shall continue to do so! Liberty for the people!" I thrust my fist into the air at the same time James pushed one of the walls in on me, resulting in a mess of cardboard and limbs. Somehow in the confusion, James and Dorcas managed to each grab one of my arms, shouting things like "Traitor!" and "Death to the rebellion!" and "Long live King Sirius!" I found myself extracted from the remains of cardboard castle and frog-marched to the edge of the pool. It only then dawned on me that perhaps I should have thought through my rebellion before committing to the cause. But it was too late to turn back now.

"End the monarchy!" I cried, trying to push back against my captors and get a foothold on the slippery wet edge of the pool, "We shall not be enslaved by tyrants!" I caught sight of Lily and Mary, still sitting where I had left them, both looking incredulous and confused at the pandemonium issuing from our end of the pool. Dorcas laughed until she was tearing up and Marlene shouted from her place behind us, "END HIM MY KING!"

James turned, struggling to keep a hold on my right arm and looked straight at Sirius. I twisted around to look at him too. He was drawn up to his full height, having extracted himself from the ruins of his cardboard castle and he looked down his nose at me in mock-disgust, his haughty cheekbones and strong brow making him momentarily look truly like the royalty he was pretending to be and he extended his thumb sideways before rotating it to point down. It was only a half a second later that I was hitting the surface of the water, the screams of triumph echoing behind me as Marlene, Dorcas, and James yelled "LONG LIVE THE KING."

At least, I thought, emerging to the surface sopping and laughing so hard I didn't think I'd be able to stay above the surface of the water, at least Mary had taken the brunt of the splash.


End file.
